all the poems I wrote in 2021, in chronological order
- war with my flesh
- wickedness or weakness?
- my cheating heart
- all out of pills
- no peace in a pill
- on Isaiah 1:5-6
- a question
- am I addicted to shame?
- untitled lament
- a conversation
- winter’s wisdom
- a fickle lover’s lament
- house of harlotry
war with my flesh
I’m plagued by my passions, at war with my flesh
Enslaved to my wicked ways, ashamed of the sin I crave
A righteous man’s wage, I desire in my soul
Jesus, my Lord, only You can fill this hole
Deep inside my crippled heart, so lonely and so cold
Where spirits wage a war, over what I’m living for
But the war has been won, fought by God’s only Son
And so all I seek and find, whether with my heart or mind
If not You, Lord, it is death
How can flesh fulfill me, when life is but a breath?
wickedness or weakness?
Is it wickedness?
Is it weakness?
Are they both the same damn thing?
Broken shards of a shattered heart
And a face turned from my King
I lie in the dark
Up so late at night
Praying and yet fearing that the truth might come to light
And it’s not right, oh I know
To live in the shadows
Suffocating on my shame just serves to drive me mad, though
I am weak
I am wicked
I’m a sinner through and through
Who can I turn to but You, only You, Lord
What shall I trust in but Truth, only Truth, Lord
Lord, please help me stay close to You
my cheating heart
Lord, please help my cheating heart
My wicked ways are tearing me apart
I lie, I cheat, I deal with the one who only kills
And I hide my face for having played my part
Oh, Lord have mercy on my soul
Fiery passion fuels my sin so cold
I try in vain to quell those voices straight from hell
I’m a sinful man, and by my hand I fold
Oh Lord, how can you call to me?
You’ve seen the depths of sin to which I flee
You’ve never turned away, and you’re oh so quick to say
Peace, my son, with you I choose to stay
all out of pills
I’m all out of pills and I’m angry
I’m anxious and I feel alone
I’m all out of breath, I regret every step
I took running away from home
I’m out of excuses for using
I keep choosing abuse and its wrong
Cause the devil he preys on my mistakes
And he whispers that I don’t belong
But Jesus, all He does is love me
He pleads for me all day and night
All it will take is my every mistake
Turned to Him, who turns wrong into right
no peace in a pill
Sinning and sinning, I’m sinning again
Shadows and lies are how I play pretend
And I can’t face the fact that I’m always the fool in the end
I’m searching in places with nothing to find
Substance abusing and losing my mind
And I can’t face the fact that the prison I’m building is mine
Oh you’ll never find peace in a pill, boy
Why can’t you love something real, boy
That hole in your heart is not filled, boy
When you’re searching for peace in a pill, boy
Lord, You know me and all my mistakes
You give and You give and I refuse to take
After everything that you’ve done for my sake
And I’m sorry, I’m weary, and I’m breaking down
So set on being lost I forget that I’m found
Oh, I’m a lost sheep, but for lost sheep you went to the ground
And I’ll never find peace in a pill, Lord
You give Yourself, and You’re real, Lord
You are the one who can fill, Lord
This hole in my heart cause You heal, Lord
I cannot pretend that I’ve had it hard
Your grace is the reason I’ve made it this far
And I trust in the grace that comes straight from Your Sacred Heart
I do not deserve to call on Your name
I’m a dirty old sinner You’ve chosen to save
How can I give enough praise for all that You gave?
Oh you’ll never find peace in a pill, boy
Can’t you see sinning, it kills, boy
All that you are, and all the Lord’s called you to be
Oh Lord, have mercy, and won’t You please save me
on Isaiah 1: 5-6
The head is sick, the heart is sad
Feet grow weary on wicked path
King and priest and citizen
All laid to waste in den of sin
Soundness can’t be found
Where muted tongue has bound
For uttered is no sorrowed plea
To God who loves them faithfully
a question
I think about the ladies who’ve loved me
Those tender hearted maidens so fine
And I look to my Father above me
From deep inside my heart I ask Him why
Why, oh why, does my love live to die?
Oh Lord, you know I am a sinful man
Will I ever be true? I’m not worthy of you
Oh Lord, sometimes I do not understand
am I addicted to shame?
I think I’m a coward who can’t think straight
I hate the hell I crawl into and never look life in the face
What am I searching for? What am I searching for?
Any and every thing only ever leaves me wanting more
I need to feel love but when it’s given I give it away
To someone other than the one who gave it in the first place
I’m scared and I’m broken, I reject any reprieve
I revel in my shame and my refusal to believe
Will I ever love a woman without cheating?
Sometimes I hate my twisted heart and wish it would stop beating
I write these words as I wallow in self-pity
I fail to see the grace in the crosses the Lord gives me
Sometimes I wonder if I’m addicted to shame
I cling to that which as my own is all that I can claim
The Lord longs to heal my heart and wants to set me free
Perhaps I’m scared of freedom because mine I will not be
untitled lament
I’m lonely and I long for the love of a woman
I’m angry cause all I can think is I shouldn’t
Oh, this heart of mine keeps driving me out of my mind
There are times when I think that I’ll be okay
I can pack up my past sins and put them away
But I can’t forget the pain that I saw on her face
I told the truth, and it set me free
I trust in the Lord, and His plan for me
But at times, this hole in my heart is all that I can see
It’s dark, it’s deep, it pierces my soul
A youth full of filling it has grown me quite old
I grow weary and my weakness weighs heavy upon me
I’m not worthy of a woman’s love, it’s this thought that haunts me
I see beauty all around me and I want to make it mine
I’m not content with one girl, I want all that I can find
And so I ought to stay away, if only for their sake
Loneliness abounds and I feel trapped by my mistakes
Though I cannot see clearly now, I trust in the Lord
He longs to free my heart from sin, and I trust His Word
a conversation
I look in the mirror
I see a boy just as broken as his promises
And I stare him in the eyes
Fighting tears I ask him, why?
Young fool, why are you here again?
Have you finally had enough?
Have you no shame?
Are you blind to the selfishness at the root of all your pain?
Why can’t you love?
Why can’t you be true?
To your woman, for one my friend, but especially to you?
Who are you?
Who do you want to be?
Have you lost, along with innocence, your ability to dream?
Do you remember our bright eyes?
Never red from getting high
Never burdened by the weight of shame that comes with living lies
The boy stares back at me
He’s heard all this before
His spirit has grown weary, and it’s been a real long war
Somewhere inside, I know that hope has not died
It may be buried in the rubble, but I know that it’s alive
winter’s wisdom
Something stirs up in my soul
When the cold comes around
Fallen leaves from naked trees
Scattered all across the ground
I am like those trees, naked
Exposed for all to see
I silently surrender
Knowing death must come for me
Winter withholds her wisdom
She hides it in plain sight
I cannot overcome her
Though I try with all my might
a fickle lover’s lament
I see her beauty and I’m scared
For I know what’s in my heart
I hear the song she softly sings
And I’m afraid to play my part
I’ve tasted of the fruit of love that is pure
I’ve felt the pain that poison forces lovers to endure
I’ve held my head high, and looked her in the eyes
I’ve hid from her in shame because I’ve lusted and I’ve lied
Oh beauty, she runs from me, because I cannot just behold
I must have her as my own, I put her in a stranglehold
The beauty of a woman only fills me with shame
How can I hope to love her with a heart crippled and lame?
I long to leap for joy, and let passion fill my soul
My heart aches for a woman, with whom I can grow old
I’m afraid to fall in love, or let someone fall for me
I’ve let shame convince me all I’ll ever do is cheat
I don’t deal well with the darkness that dwells deep inside
I can’t turn from the abyss, is this some twisted form of pride?
I’m lonely, though the Lord is with me all the time
I’m convinced I hold on to this pain because it’s mine
Oh Lord, please take this! Take all that I am!
I surrender, oh my Lord, to the beauty of your plan
For all things, even my heart, are held fast in Your hands
house of harlotry
My heart has been a house of harlotry
For far too long
My soul’s been sick in selfish misery
For far too long
My body’s burdened by desperate need for sleep
I treat it wrong
I’ve been running around in search of cheap relief
That can’t last long
And I’m ready to be free, so my soul may sweetly sing
A brand new song