poems I forgot I wrote/never published | May 2023
uppers
I’ve got a problem, I know
I’m on my uppers and out of control
and sleep she must take me by force
but she has no qualms, we’ve been here before
I’ve stopped trying to understand why
stopped trying to comfort myself with a lie
yes I’ll face the bare naked truth
I am an addict and prone to abuse
now I find myself here again
strung out and strangled in my web of sin
numb and emotionless, I feel no pain
just fickle frustration to drive me insane
something is broken down deep in my soul
I watch from a distance as sickness unfolds
wondering if I was always like this
I grasp at the past for my lost innocence
I’ve been in those rooms, where others like me go
I’ve professed it loud and clear, ‘I have no self-control‘
I believe that freedom is a gift the Lord will give
perhaps a life of freedom’s just not one I want to live
contrition passes quick to comfort, I forget my state
this is how things always go when I refuse to pray
I’ll hold fast to a shallow hope, trusting this will pass
I know the Lord is with me but these uppers kick my ass
a familiar lament
I had resigned myself
to an ache, left unfulfilled
to a bitter taste left in my mouth,
to wondering what was real.
I had come to terms
with longing glances, and cold shoulders
with leaving all these things unsaid,
and letting that spark smolder.
I had found some peace
with the Lord, and within me
knowing that I had to suffer
so you could be free.
So why have you come back?
Why not leave me alone?
You know what you do to me,
I’m better on my own.
What am I to you?
You’ve found a love that’s true
yet you’ve come back, once again
to prove that I’m your fool.
I know a girl
I know a girl,
she knows me well,
still she knows me not at all.
She knows my wit,
knows my charm,
knows I’ll answer if she calls.
She knows I love the Lord,
she even knows that I’m afraid.
But I have never let her see
what I keep locked away.