Desire. I have a complicated relationship with the word. I look inside my heart and desire is all I see. A cursory glance at the past reveals an unrelenting search for its satiation. A deeper look reveals a wake of damage done to myself and others in this pursuit. An honest reflection on the past reveals that I have never been satisfied by anything for longer than a few fleeting moments.

A clinical diagnosis of the present concludes that the hole in my heart remains, unabated.

A tentative prognosis for the future suggests that nothing in this world shall ever fill it.

Quite the predicament. And yet this is not the full story. Thirst is an inexplicable phenomena in the absence of water. Guilt cannot be if there is no good from which to deviate. Faced with my dissatisfaction with every single thing I have ever sought satisfaction in, what am I to conclude?

The tentative prognosis above contains but half the answer: nothing in this world shall ever fill the hole in my heart. The rest? I must, then, long for what this world cannot provide.

My desire is infinite because I am made for infinity. All my restless and reckless seeking has been a search for God, even when I have gone looking for Him in dark valleys full of shadow and death.

I have often sought Love through lust, where I know it shall not be found. I have often courted Beauty in order to possess her, knowing she must surely flee. I have often lied to avoid Truth, knowing how far from his light I have fallen. I have often mistaken pleasure for Goodness, knowing pleasure to be fleeting and frail.

And yet, in a myriad of foolish and selfish ways, I must admit that I have been searching for God. I cannot help but search for Him, and I will never be satisfied with anything less than Him.

He has been searching for me, too. He has not created me to be content with the finitude of this world, though He asks me to be humbly obedient while I am here. He gifts my heart with gratitude for these passing things. He surrounds me with people to love, people infinite as I am. And when I venture into that dark valley, He searches for me.

If I am willing to stop for a moment and still my restless heart, He gives Himself to me. I must learn to stop my seeking, that I may at last be able to receive.